The Village Idiot

Transcript of 9/11 Commission interview with President Dick Cheney (as portrayed by George W. Bush) and Vice President and CEO Dick Cheney.

Note: This interview was transcribed in person by Robyn Hode disguised as a youthful Errol Flynn.

Part I

Commission: Good morning gentleman.

Bush (looking at Cheney for permission and receiving a nod): Uh, oh, Good Aft-Morning.

Cheney (after patting Bush on the back): Good morning gentleman.

[At this point, Supreme Court Justice Uncle Antonin Scalia enters carrying drinks for Cheney and Bush]

Commission: Excuse me Justice Scalia, but this interview is to take place with only the President and Vice President, president...er present.

Uncle Antonin: I was invited by Pres..Vice President Cheney to attend this interview. We are good friends and it is my intention to accept this invitation...to serve drinks, and if necessary, anything else his majesty..er...the Vice President desires...as a friend, of course.

Commission: Very well, the interview is already without any value since by agreeing to have only one person take notes and...

Cheney: And agreeing we are not to answer any questions under oath. We need plausible deniability--if it comes down to our word versus a few Democratic congressman, who will the American people believe? After all, they swallowed WMD and the story about Al Qeada running a fixed bingo parlour in downtown Bagdhad where Saddam always wins, why wouldn't they believe us now?

Bush: Uh oh, uh oh...

Cheney (speaking out of the side of his mouth as he does so naturally): Not now George.

Commission: If we may begin the interview with an off-topic question President Cheney...why do you talk out of the side of your mouth like that, it seems rather unusual.

Cheney: It's not usual at all, and I am not President Cheney, I am Vice President Cheney. To continue, I developed the ability to talk in such a manner by constantly whispering to cronies behind the backs of honest people while negotiating contracts for the government. By training myself to do this I was able to cut deals that have secretly made me wealthy, while bankrupting the American people. It is a valuable skill.

[Bush begins to focus intently on a piece of lint on his pants--in fact, he is completely absorbed in this task]

Commission: It has been stated that plans were being made by the Cheney Adminstra...

Cheney: You mean Bush....

Bush: What?

Cheney: Continue with what you were doing George.

Commission: Yes, the Bush Administration....that plans were being made to invade Iraq only one month after 9/11. Does the Chen...does the Adminstration deny this?

Cheney: Of course I do...er...the Adminstration does. Oh heck, what does it matter? No one will believe what the note-taker writes anyway. Yes, plans were being made to invade Iraq before 9/11. When my good friend George Bush...

Bush: Yes, Mr. Cheney?

Cheney: Not now George!

Bush: Uh, oh. (Returns to the contemplation of the piece of lint on his pants)

Cheney: As I was saying, when my good friend George Herbert Bush and I decided Jeb would help his brother win the election in 2000 and that it wouldn't matter who actually had the most votes since ole Jeb controlled Florida like a backwoods Mississippi sheriff controls his town, we also decided that the US should invade Iraq and remove that ungrateful pinhead, Saddam. This was in 1999. I believe George Herbert's son was AWOL somewhere when the discussion took place, although we can offer proof, if required, that he was in Texas because we paid a person to say he saw him there.

Commision: Are you saying Mr. Cheney...

[At this point, Uncle Antonin reaches over and lights Cheney's cigarette, then hops up and runs out of the room to get an ashtray, then runs back in quickly and stands at attention next to Cheney, holding the ashtray with the intention of catching the falling ashes whenever Cheney gestures]

Commission:...that WMD and Al Qeada were not the reasons for the invasion of Iraq?

Cheney: Of course not. We knew Saddam had only a few Scud missiles and those were almost useless anyway. Besides, Israel and the US could turn Iraq into a parking lot before more than a few of those Boer War era missiles could be fired. As for Al Qeada, we had no evidence that Saddam was involved with them. President Bush...

Bush: Huh?

Cheney (ignoring Bush): ...even stated, against my wishes--but sometimes we can't control everything he says, that there was no connection between Al Qeada and Iraq.

Commission: Was there any other reason for invading Iraq besides punishing an ingrate?

Cheney: Well, I was CEO of Halliburton, wasn't I? I was hired without any experience, so what did I bring to the table, so to speak? Why, the possibility of becoming Pres...Vice President in 2000 and bringing in a whole lot of business for my former company, of course.

[Cheney gestures impatiently and Uncle Antonin dives to catch the falling ash]

To be continued...

Part II

Commission: Now, Vice President Cheney, may we ask the President some questions?

Cheney: Go right ahead.

Commission: Mr. President...

Cheney: Yes?...er...go ahead, please.

Commission: We intend to. Mr. President? Mr. President...ah, Mr. Bush?

Cheney (whispering out of the side of his mouth as only he can): George, pssst George, pay attention, they are talking to you.

Bush: Uh, oh...yes...gentleman?

Commission: Mr. President, you gave what came to be known as the "Axis of Evil" speech...

Bush: I did?

Commission: Yes, Mr. President, you did. In the speech you labeled Iran, Iraq and North Korea as evil nations, in fact they were labeled as the Axis of Evil. Now, with regard to...

(At this point there is a sharp knock on the door and Prime Minister Tony Blair enters)

Cheney: Ah, Tony old boy, please come in and have a seat.

Bush: Howdy Tony!

Tony: Good morning gentleman, thank you, I will have a seat and let me preface any of my future remarks by stating that I agree completely with whatever Mr. Cheney and Georgie Boy say. Completely, 100 per cent.

Commission: Mr. Prime Minister, this interview was to be conducted with only...

Cheney: Please don't repeat yourselves gentlemen...as President, I am in charge here and I declare it is quite alright for Tony to join us in our little chat.

Bush: Uh oh...

Tony: I agree completely.

(Uncle Antonin, feeling a tinge of jealousy over Cheney's friendliness toward Mr. Blair, purposely refuses to offer Mr. Blair any refreshments and also begins making little faces at him when no one but Mr. Blair is looking)

Cheney: Let us continue with the questions, time is running short and Tony, the President and I have much more important things to discuss than what is going on here.

Tony: I agree completely.

Bush: Uh, oh.

Commission: Are we to assume that you will be fielding the remainder of the question, Vice President Cheney?

Cheney: You are to assume nothing. Ask the questions...get on with it.

Tony: I agree completely.

Commission: Very well, we have virtually no authority or validity anymore so lets finish this up. Mr. President, Vice President, CEO, whatever you are...why weren't the American people told the truth about the decision to go to war in Iraq?

Cheney: Truth? You ask me about truth? Let me answer it this way: 'Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all ye need to know...and all you're going to get if you know what is good for you. Now, this interview is over.

Tony: I agree completely.

Bush: Uh, oh.

Uncle Antonin: Shall I bring your car around Dick?

[End of transcript]