The Six Wives of Henry VIII

I posted this rather satirical biography of the Six Wives of Henry VIII on GoldToken.com. I think it may offer a few smiles here:

Katherine of Aragon, wifey #1, was the daughter of Ferdinand and Isabella. She married Henry's older brother, Prince Arthur, who died quickly thereafter without consummating the marraige (so says the pious Katherine). Henry's dad decides he likes the relationship between England and Spain, decides he wants Henry to marry Katherine, who is delighted since she was facing many years of lonely widowhood. The marriage is annulled by Bull of Dispensation of Pope Julius. Henry marries her, dad kicks the bucket, Henry becomes head honcho of Merry Ole England. Katherine then gives birth to Mary I, who will become 'Bloody Mary' and burn 300 Protestants at the stake. Big problem arises though, after several attemps, Katherine is unable to deliver the all important male heir. Henry grows annoyed, not a good thing. His eye wanders to Katherine's fiery-eyed and alluring lady, Anne Boleyn.

Anne Boleyn, wifey #2, spent 7 years at the court of Francis I of France. Let's just say she learned a few things. She comes back to England, gets a job with Queen Katherine and draws the attention of Henry. Knowing what happened with her older sister Mary Boleyn and Henry, she decides to lead the big guy on with promises of future happiness, claiming she will not give up her viriginity till she is married. Henry is hooked like a salmon. But he must find a way to divorce Katherine and that won't be easy. Katherine refuses. Finally, after asking the Pope for help--Pope Clement dallies for 7 years (Katherine is aunt to Charles V, Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire and he has the Pope in his control), he gives up and decides he's going to be head of the Church of England and not listen to Pope Clement anymore. He orders his government to declare his marriage invalid because, in fact, Katherine was brother Art's wife and that places him too close to her to marry (Laws of Affinity and scripture of Leviticus that says a man may not take his brother's wife in marriage. He's saying Pope Julius was wrong to issue the Dispensation. Anyway, he gets divorced, marries Anne, who is then 31. They have a daugther too, Elizabeth I, who will grow up to be one of the greatest monarchs in English history. But...Anne cannot give Henry a son either, some miscarraiges, stillbirths, but no son. In addition, she's got a sharp tongue and while Henry liked this when he was courting her, he doesn't like it now as hubby. He likes to be in charge with no questions asked. He has his boys trump up some bogus charges of adultery and treason and has Anne's head chopped off.

Jane Seymour, wifey #3, is, surprise, in the service of Anne Boleyn. Henry sees her after tiring of Anne and sets his sights on this young woman. Jane is very sweet and demure, but she's not that innocent. She uses tactics similar to Anne Boleyn's to snare Henry. They marry and lo and behold, Jane has a son, Edward VI--but she dies in childbirth of an infection and Henry is on the lookout again.

Anne of Cleves, wifey #4, is the eldest daughter of the German Duke of Cleves. Not too many woman are willing to marry Henry now. One aristocratic lady said she would marry Henry if she had two necks. Discovering Henry prefers "buxom" women, another says that although she is buxom she has a small neck, she also declines. Finally Lord Chancellor Cromwell finds Anne of Cleves. He has court painter Hans Holbein paint her so Henry can see what she looks like before he asks her to come all the way to England to marry. Holbein paints a beautiful picture of Anne, Henry sees it and is enraptured. Anne of Cleves comes to England. Henry rushes to Anne but after seeing her declares, "I like her not!" Seems Holbein's painting was a little too good. Anne looks very little like the painting. But Henry is trapped, he marries her, but cannot stand her, claiming that on his wedding night she had 'evil smells'. The marriage is never consummated. So, another divorce! Henry is a kind of miffed with Cromwell too. The Lord Chancellor gets the axe a little while latter for fixing him up with poor Anne.

Katherine Howard, wifey #5, is an empty headed 15 year old in Anne of Cleves' household. Henry, in his late 40s, is suffering from a mid-life crises. He falls for young Katherine Howard (there are lots of Katherines, Marys and Elizabeths in 16 th century England) and marries her. Old Henry is reborn, fabulously in love with Katherine. Unfortunately, Katherine has a 'past'. It's brought to the attention of Henry's advisors that she has had relations with other men before and possibly after their marriage. Uh oh. Henry is shocked and surprisingly, breaks down in tears and mopes around for awhile. He recovers somewhat, but is never the same. He has aged tremdously after this news. His pride is crushed. He has poor Katherine arrested for adultery and of course, that old standby, treason. She is beheaded.

Katherine Parr, wifey #6, is a devout, pious woman, twice married. Henry is old now, he weighs over 300 lbs (6'3") and smells kind of bad from an open wound on his leg that won't heel. He marries her, they have no children. But he dies from a blood clot at 55 and she survives. Katherine marries Thomas Seymour, uncle of wifey #3 Jane, gives birth, but dies, like Jane, in childbirth of an infection. She and Jane were Henry's favorites.